Today is a rainy gray day and although some people find it to be depressing I find it an atmosphere where I can reflect. Why did I title this with a question mark one might ask but for me it is a question. We are always hearing about how we should meditate and channel peace, be grounded, releasing, relaxing etc. A time to be mindful of our emotions/feelings. For me that is very difficult to do. Not because I have ADHD and mind wanders, but because it frustrates me to think about things that have created strong feelings and I have this self imposed expectation I am supposed to let things go. I can’t.

So much has happened in my life over the past 2 years. It will be 2 years on Friday since we lost my mother in law. A woman who was the heart of the family and a death we are all still struggling from. After she passed I knew that the weight on my shoulders was going to grow heavy at times, but I didn’t mind because my family needed me, including my brother in law and especially my father in law. But I never expected how challenging the next 1.5 years was going to be overall. Since then the following has occured and each event has it’s own story to tell. Helped my bil open his business and continue to assist him with his business office work; fil sold his condo>we moved him to independent living > he fell and broke his femur & wrist>had surgery>went to skilled care for rehab>we moved him to assisted living>returned to assisted living only to get an infection and be sent back to the hospital>a minimum of 5 hospital stays total in 6 months>back to skilled care for medical care>returned to assisted living>died within 2 weeks of being there; business partner decided to leave and pursue a new career>we took on the business and debt>due to Covid clients retired so the business took a financial hit as lower production>we decided to close the business>sold the building and paid on the company debt>husband took a new job where he was to be trained to replace a friend who was retiring>he wasn’t trained thus the day after Christmas he was let go because he didn’t bring enough money with his clients to create enough of a profit for his boss, nothing he did wrong>friend knew about and didn’t reach out to my husband (a sense of betrayal)>unemployment>husband took a new job (where respected)>All of this led to financial difficulties and strains>I moved to a new position in my place of employment>a positive but none the less a transition>my boss retired so I have had to learn and adapt to a new boss with higher expectations; my dad was diagnosed with Parkinsons Disease and slowly declining>my mom trying to insert herself and her opinions into my life and that of my family>mom struggling with acceptance of her age and the changes it comes with>testing of my strength and patience; Etc. Etc.

So really meditation and mindfulness are supposed to help with all of the churning inside of my mind and effects on my physical well being?? Many would say to add religion into the mix too. I am a religious person but I haven’t had the strength to go to church and sometimes faith and hope are hard to find when it feels like you live in the what next, what shit is going to happen mind frame. I often look up at the cross on top of the church across the street and pray because I don’t feel a person needs to “go to church” to be with God and Christ, I know they are always with me. I would call those moments peaceful.

I don’t know what is coming next, none of us do, and that is a good thing or we would never get up and live. Here is what I know. I am mindful of all the stressors in my life and the tough cards I have been given right now in my life. I am a strong person, a survivor so I will continue to walk forward knowing that these challenges are only moments in my life, a life filled with love, support, family and friends. I am mindful of everything in my life. Would meditation help, maybe. So I will whip out my gratitude journal my sister gave me, go to the gym and do yoga, find peace in moments of silence and most of all give myself some grace. Focusing on the moment I am in a bit more and giving thanks for the good in my life. Will I meditate….who knows if I will attain what I believe meditation is and it’s purpose, but yes I will try and try again. It’s a qwest for me one I will continue to seek.