So today I write just because I need to release all of the thoughts I am having.  A week ago my mom was supposed to have a knee replacement but due to antibiotics it was postponed.  She scheduled it now for the day before I leave on vacation.  Is this a big deal, probably not, but one I find myself struggling with.  I asked her and my dad if they could pick another day as if anything goes wrong I will be out of state and won’t be back.  This is also a trip that is an extended family trip with my husband’s side which has been in the works for 7 months.  And let me preface due to health reasons this will be the last time we can do this with them.  I understand that she is in pain and needs the surgery, but also that she needed it 5-10 years ago.  She has also planned an 80th birthday party for my dad 2 weeks after the planned surgery.  Sigh…….  Am I a bit stressed out yes.

So, how to proceed.  I have decided that there is no right thing I can say or do in this situation.  This situation just plain old sucks, and I cannot win.  But it isn’t just me I am thinking about.  If something goes wrong what will this do to my girls.  Their father has made it clear that we will not be going home if something happens, not because he is mean but because there would be nothing we could do.  My sister teased me and said, “No worries we will have the funeral and then put her on your mantle to haunt you”.  She was just trying to make me lighten up a bit and I did smile.  So this is what I did.  I went home to visit.  I spent some time with my mom and she made it very clear she understands the circumstances, loves me and wants me to go without guilt or worry.  Is that possible?  I guess I will see.  My 2 younger daughters are heading there to spend a week prior to the surgery which I am grateful for.  They will have time with their grandparents and be able to help my parents get things at the house ready for when she comes home.  This time is not only important for my parents but for my children.

Meanwhile I am struggling with 3 strong willed teenage daughters while personally starting my journey through Menopause.  lol  I remember when this happened to my mom and thought whoa, who is this person…lol.  But here is what I am learning…..  I am still me, I am just changing and so is my family.  The challenges of smaller children is often exhausting and I have always said each phase has it’s challenges and joys.  But I couldn’t have imagined teenagers, although I do remember how I was…lol.  The tone in a teenage girl can change on the dime and just when I think I have got it figured out…boom.  Is this a bad thing, no, but is it a bit trying and stressful…..YES!

But here is what I do know.   I love my family!  I am learning as I near 50 that I cannot be everything to everyone, although I would like to be.  And that is where the fear, sadness, disappointment, anger, panic, etc. comes from.  I was raised that a daughter, wife, mother needed to take care of her family 1st, herself 2nd.  Now my mom will admit she wishes she had taught us differently because if you don’t take care of yourself you cannot take care of others.  I often wonder if I am teaching my daughters it’s ok to take care of you first, life will take care of itself, and you cannot control what is unknown.  As for me…..I am trying to focus on the smiles, laughter, joy, love, etc. and remember that is what is most important.

I write this for myself with the thought that I am not the only one facing these challenges.  And this too shall pass.  And at the end of the day……it’s all good, it’s just another phase in my journey.