So today I write just because I need to release all of the thoughts I am having.  A week ago my mom was supposed to have a knee replacement but due to antibiotics it was postponed.  She scheduled it now for the day before I leave on vacation.  Is this a big deal, probably not, but one I find myself struggling with.  I asked her and my dad if they could pick another day as if anything goes wrong I will be out of state and won’t be back.  This is also a trip that is an extended family trip with my husband’s side which has been in the works for 7 months.  And let me preface due to health reasons this will be the last time we can do this with them.  I understand that she is in pain and needs the surgery, but also that she needed it 5-10 years ago.  She has also planned an 80th birthday party for my dad 2 weeks after the planned surgery.  Sigh…….  Am I a bit stressed out yes.

So, how to proceed.  I have decided that there is no right thing I can say or do in this situation.  This situation just plain old sucks, and I cannot win.  But it isn’t just me I am thinking about.  If something goes wrong what will this do to my girls.  Their father has made it clear that we will not be going home if something happens, not because he is mean but because there would be nothing we could do.  My sister teased me and said, “No worries we will have the funeral and then put her on your mantle to haunt you”.  She was just trying to make me lighten up a bit and I did smile.  So this is what I did.  I went home to visit.  I spent some time with my mom and she made it very clear she understands the circumstances, loves me and wants me to go without guilt or worry.  Is that possible?  I guess I will see.  My 2 younger daughters are heading there to spend a week prior to the surgery which I am grateful for.  They will have time with their grandparents and be able to help my parents get things at the house ready for when she comes home.  This time is not only important for my parents but for my children.

Meanwhile I am struggling with 3 strong willed teenage daughters while personally starting my journey through Menopause.  lol  I remember when this happened to my mom and thought whoa, who is this person…lol.  But here is what I am learning…..  I am still me, I am just changing and so is my family.  The challenges of smaller children is often exhausting and I have always said each phase has it’s challenges and joys.  But I couldn’t have imagined teenagers, although I do remember how I was…lol.  The tone in a teenage girl can change on the dime and just when I think I have got it figured out…boom.  Is this a bad thing, no, but is it a bit trying and stressful…..YES!

But here is what I do know.   I love my family!  I am learning as I near 50 that I cannot be everything to everyone, although I would like to be.  And that is where the fear, sadness, disappointment, anger, panic, etc. comes from.  I was raised that a daughter, wife, mother needed to take care of her family 1st, herself 2nd.  Now my mom will admit she wishes she had taught us differently because if you don’t take care of yourself you cannot take care of others.  I often wonder if I am teaching my daughters it’s ok to take care of you first, life will take care of itself, and you cannot control what is unknown.  As for me…..I am trying to focus on the smiles, laughter, joy, love, etc. and remember that is what is most important.

I write this for myself with the thought that I am not the only one facing these challenges.  And this too shall pass.  And at the end of the day……it’s all good, it’s just another phase in my journey.

There are so many tails of my mom and dad I do not know where to start, but this past weekend was a classic.  I received a text message from my nearly 80 year old mom who saw that my daughter had put a pride frame around her FB profile picture, like just about everyone.  Abby is 19 and although has only dated boys she considers herself bi-sexual because she believes in love of a person not a gender, however has not dated another female.  Why does it matter, well it doesn’t except in context.  I wake on on Friday to this text:

“Beautiful picture of Abby.  With the PRIDE sign does that mean she is officially announcing she’s a lesbian?  Just wondering as we don’t know all the processes.  Love you, mom.”

Ok, I admit it I laughed out loud.  Here they are trying so hard to understand and be accepting and it made my heart smile just a bit more.  So I reached out to my sisters to share in the moment and am told that my dad called them both to ask the same question.  Ok, now I am really smiling and laughing.  Then of course I shared with Abby who had the same reaction as the rest of us, as did my other 2 daughters.

As I thought about this over the weekend I realized a couple of things.  I truly am dealing with very different generations right now in my life.  Liberal daughters who have grown up in a very liberal, accepting community, where most of their best friends are members of the LGBTQ community.  They have grown up not even giving pause to what their friends sexuality preference is because it never mattered.  Grace had 2 years where her slumber party for her birthday consisted of a lesbian, transgender and gay friend.  Her comment to me at the time, “mom it’s awfully hard to be Hetero these days…sigh.”  lol  Then I have these lovely parents who came from the generation of the 50’s where the LGBTQ community was very closed and they didn’t know anyone in HS who was open.  But they want to be accepting and understanding, which I think is wonderful.  They are trying so hard to understand the world my children live in, which isn’t always easy in an Iowa town.  I mean hey we have come a long way from my marrying a Catholic….OMG!  lol

This is PRIDE month and I am celebrating.  I am celebrating that I have a family who loves each other and others not because of how they identify themselves but for who they are as individuals.  I am proud of my parents and I am proud of my daughters….

Growing up there was absolutely no way I would have been a cheerleader, and my siblings find it absolutely ironic that I am just that.  Give me band, choir, tennis and I am all over it, but cheer???  So I find myself evaluating this whole adventure as I start year 5 with my 3rd daughter, Anna this week.  Here is what I have decided, this is nuts!!!  Hahaha!  And the people are the nuttiest part!!  lol

Anna started cheer because she needed an activity as the youngest child where she felt accomplished.  Ok, she wanted medals and more medals and more medals.  Ha..  And after her 1st year she was hooked.  The bling, the purple team color (her favorite), the pride and sense of accomplishment it brings her, the friendships, and other things I do not understand but support.  There is something about working hard then competition day arriving getting up there in all the glittery make up and teased, curled or bumped hair and showing off the smiles and sass while putting it all out there for the judges for 2 1/2 minutes.

By this time mom is mentally and physically exhausted.  The adrenaline is flowing as we get up early to undo the curlers or try to poof the front of the hair while all the while trying not to short out.  I have done more hair in the last 5 years than I ever did.  I am your plain Jane mom who never was all about the make up and hair.  (Contrary to my mom’s wishes…lol)  Then it’s applying glue and glitter make up to the eyes and bright pink lipstick without using to many make up wipes to clean up all the glitter everywhere else.  Then rushing off to the venue to spend $20 on a ticket for a 2 1/2 minute performance and at the max with awards 2 hours of your day.  But after those 2 1/2 minutes there is only 1 thing you want…..your daughter’s team to win or at least do well.  And you find yourself looking forward to seeing the medals and trophies, but most of all the pride on the face of your daughter.  OMG I still cannot believe this is my world…lol.

This past season was a new one for me.  I found myself angry and frustrated for various reasons with the organization and coaching, so dove in head first trying to get it all figured out.  Did it take some time and back and forth, yes, but was it worth it…..I believe so.  But what happened recently left me speechless, ok until now.  Several parents I have known for 4 years decided they had had enough and were leaving the program.  They made it very clear they were not happy with the coach and the direction of the team.  I understood.  But by the end of the season I wasn’t sure who the children were anymore.  It was like Junior High all over again.  Too much to detail and quite frankly still processing this whole thing.  Definitely another post…ha.

Anna’s team made it to the D2 Summit in Orlando, FL. last month and it was truly an experience.  Watching these cheer moms (and dads) dressing up acting like divas when I knew they were no more a diva than me….it is a culture.  My eyes were bugged out the whole week…lol.  Anna was required to be with the team for the whole week so Grace came with me and we enjoyed Disney together.  What was sad for me was that Anna enjoyed moments but really it wasn’t all she had hoped for.  I think I will save that for another story.  The purpose of mentioning this is because of the result.  Here we are sitting at the ESPN venue waiting for our girls 2 1/2 minutes to show all of their hard work and sacrifice over the past year, one of the top 17 teams in the country in their Small Gym.  Then the moment comes………..

Anna had struggled all week with a stunt which she based.  All season she was holding her flier by the leg and the coach told her a week before she needed to hold her foot not the leg (although they wouldn’t lose points).  But it was going to be hit or miss and on this day it was a miss.  She didn’t drop her to the floor but didn’t fully complete the catch and it was counted as a fall.  We knew we wouldn’t make the finals.  To see my daughter come down the tunnel and break out in tears was heart wrenching.  She knew although this is a team sport, she made a mistake.  But the reality is they all have at 1 time or another, only the stage was the elite and the weight was heavy.  But what I hadn’t expected was the reaction of the parents and coach.  The coach told Anna if she had made the catch they would have made the finals, only 2 parents told her it was ok, and the rest just just ignored having to talk to me because, yes they blamed my daughter in that moment.  She had 4 teammates who came over and were immediately supportive the rest said nothing.  All I could think was wow…..  Two days earlier they were all talking about returning, after all the girls have been together for 3 -4 years.  But now it was time to bail for a different program where they will be successful.  This mom was pissed and sad.

Which brings me to now….season 5.  5 returning girls on the team, none of whom ever considered leaving for a “better team” and 3 new members.  Yes we are now a smaller team by 1, but hey it’s ok.  I had to revisit this whole world with Anna again to make sure she wanted to continue and she does.  She has 2 seasons left and wants to participate.  3 of them are her soul sisters as they all started together.  But our outlook on this all has changed.  The next 2 years are 100% about having fun, and if medals and trophies are won awesome, but it no longer is going to be the focus.  She is on board with this because she has been there and done that and you know what she is over it.  She will do her best for her team and herself, but knows being #1 isn’t all that matters.  I am proud of her.  So the adventure begins.

As for the parents that left I am over it.  I don’t want to be that parent that is crazy over involved, making it all about winning, over absorbed with the whole culture and not able to see why we are investing in this for our daughter.  But shame on those who switched teams only to show up to our try outs and be placed on teams knowing they weren’t returning.  Grow up and just be honest!

I think it is best to end this post but I will return with more to share as this is a big part of my journey as a mom of 3 daughters.

So today I decided to take my daughter out to run errands with me and have lunch.  She picked me up at work and off we went.  She is my middle daughter….her name is Grace.  Her name is fitting, she is the most thoughtful, caring girl and although she has her teenage moments her heart always prevails.  Ever since she was a little girl she has been concerned with pleasing everyone and avoids hurting feelings at all cost.  The downside to this is that she keeps her feelings held inside.

A few days ago she went to the movie with her sisters and Grandpa and everyone was chirping about her driving, causing huge anxiety and doubt in her skills.  Well today I hopped in the car and from the get go I could tell she was nervous.  After lunch, heading back to work she almost turned left at a traffic light when there were cars going straight.  She didn’t because I said something.  She never would have done this a week ago.  We stopped and the tears were falling.  She felt like, “an idiot”.  I reassured her there was no need to as no one was hurt.  She also needed reminding she is a good driver.  She made it home and just took a bath and very deep breath.

So what I haven’t said is that my daughter has a diagnosis of anxiety which I understand most of the time but struggle at other times to understand.  And today is one of those days.  I will spend the rest of my day reassuring her all is good but I know it will not be enough.  I truly wish I could help her when these moments come.  These are the times when being a parent can be so confusing and trying.  I want to say stop it you are only human like the rest of us and you just have to do your best and not let really inconsequential moments like this take over.  But what I can only do is reassure her and love her and know in a few days this too shall pass.  Such is the way of an Anxiety Disorder.

Oh my little geek (she knows it’s a term of endearment) channel your humor and keep on rolling along.  You are truly a priceless gem and I am so very grateful for you.

Well before I knew it I never got back to writing on my blog.  I don’t know could it be that I didn’t make the time…yes; could it be that work fried me….possibly; could it be that 3 teenage girls have stressed me out….yes; or could it be that I had to make a trip home to my parents for funeral…yes.  No matter the reason here I am.  I had all of the best intentions to jump right in to my blogging but when I went to do it my brain just drew a blank.  I think that it is easy to just overthink about what I am going to write as if there is a right or wrong way as opposed to just sitting down and writing, not really caring what I write because this is mine, no one elses.  In fact I have come to the conclusion that no one else will ever read this so yippee it really doesn’t matter….lol.

Daughter Moment – So a week ago a long time family friend, a beautiful woman/friend of my mom’s that touched my life in many ways passed away.  There are few people that I would truly drive home for their funeral but this was not a question for me.  My siblings and I went over to visit her in January which I am so grateful we did.  She gave us a small gift which I now cherish more than ever because she thought of us.  What I am disappointed about is the fact that I didn’t get my thank you note off despite my mom persistently asking me to do so, and me with all of the good intentions in the world to do it.  Then she had a stroke and within a couple of weeks passed away.  Before she died I sent her son a note and a copy of a picture we took on that visit to share with her and to let her know I was thinking of her and sending my love and prayers.  I know that he shared with her which warms my heart but I still struggle with not doing so before she became ill.  The thing is I know I am not alone in moments and situations like this.  Although I am pretty sure my mom thinks I am….lol.  It isn’t that I’m not thankful, appreciative, touched, etc., etc. but it doesn’t happen because I forget until the ungodly hour of midnight and then forget again by morning.  Surely I am not alone?  But I move on.  In the end I believe she has moved on to a better place and knows I truly was thankful for all the kindness and loved she showed us over the years.  But I truly went home for my mom.

My mom is struggling with losing her friends and the reality of death grows each day.  I knew she needed me to come home so I did.  As did my sister.  Dad was present but he doesn’t hang around for the girl talk…lol.  We went home the night before the funeral and talked until 2am….laughing, talking, sharing about everything and nothing.  I had the best time.  I realized that evening that my days with my mom are getting fewer and fewer and it is in small moments like this that I need to be present.  My mom didn’t try to give me advice and change me (lol) but just enjoyed the moment with us.  Sometimes those boundaries are hard to wade through but I decided I must do better.  Now if I can put it into action…. 🙂

My dad is a funny man.  He is a man of routines and him.  He is definitely a part of a time gone by….lol.  He comes and goes checking in and is so happy to hear us laughing and sharing and being home but he doesn’t need to sit with us and engage for more than a few moments at a time.  But when he does we must focus on him…lol.  God bless my mom.  Now add 80 yrs old and hard of hearing and it’s an epic visit.  I had to laugh to myself.  We all went out for breakfast, but I wore a casual Lularoe shirt with some exercise capris and my ball hat, which he didn’t really like.  He kept saying don’t you want to change your clothes….lol.  Well no I didn’t and you know what I told him just that.  My sister and I had a good laugh thinking about how had I been a teenager or young adult even he would have insisted on my changing and refusing to take me if I didn’t.  But I’m not I am 49 and you know what I am all about being comfortable…lol.

They are funny birds as I like to say.  But they are aging birds and I am going to work on making the journey home more in the coming months and years (hopefully) if my brain allows me to plan and remember further than today.